Surfeit of life

I am currently listening to Malcolm Gladwell read “The Tipping Point” on my computer. I have trouble paying attention for longer than a few moments. It isn’t that I am not interested in the book. I find it fascinating. He just used “surfeit” in a sentence. I think Malcolm Gladwell’s work is fascinating. The problem is that I am trying to do three other things at the same time. This isn’t very successful.

It’s how I have been going through life lately. Trying to do many things at once. There is so much I want to do. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good worker. I want to serve the people in my community, my church, my kids’ school. I want to be a writer. I am like a kid at MoJo who wants every topping. With a jumble of gummy bears, chocolate chips, cookie bits and caramel, the resulting blend is often a disappointment, not living up to the expectations of the child spooning the toppings into the yogurt cup.

I have to scale back. I have to prune and try to do one thing well rather than trying to do a thousand things, none of which are ever done well. With a heavy heart, I wrote an email to the editor of Raising Arizona Kids, Karen Barr. I told her that I could not keep writing and I had to focus my attention on raising my kids. She was so kind and gracious. She understood and assured me the door is open should I choose to come back. Her email made me smile. It made me feel valued and loved. This is why is is so hard to scale back and focus on a few things in my life rather than everything. I will miss Raising Arizona Kids, or, RAK as I call it when I am trying to go faster. I will miss the comments of readers and the feeling of being part of this community to is concerned with the same thing: raising our children to the best of our ability. But now I must go try to do that and in doing so, enjoy the surfeit of life rather than be overwhelmed by it.

Another story from the school trenches

Recently, Charlie wanted to go to an after school event. Our schedule has been very full, so I had avoided this event before. It wasn’t on my “must do” list, but he wanted to go and so we did. Immediately when we got there, other third graders called out to him and included him in their conversation. I was so impressed at the inclusion. I admit that I have been carrying the sting of seeing my son bullied long after he had let it go. I admit that I have been guarding him, running interference even when I haven’t meant to, and ripping at my heart with every birthday party invitation because outside of the watchful eye of the teacher, who knows what will happen. Having a child who is “different”, such as my beautiful boy with Tourette Syndrome, makes a parent find creative paths. The instincts to protect your young at all costs have to be tempered with allowing him to find his way because you just can’t be there every second. Seeing him sucked into the third grade social group like it was the most natural thing in the world, filled me with hope and gratitude. Grateful that I didn’t give up on my school family and seek a solution in a different school. And grateful for the leadership at the school that dealt with the bullying immediately and with professionalism.

Yesterday, his teacher, Mrs. Vaughn, assigned an activity that required small groups of kids to collaborate. She was concerned that Charlie and his partner, another boy whose brain does not process instructions in traditional ways, would get off task and would not complete the assignment. She wanted to give them the freedom they needed to get things done, so she muffled her concerns and just kept a watchful eye without hovering. After a time, she noticed they were making what appeared to be wild gestures so she went over.

“What are you doing?” she asked. “Rock. Paper. Scissors.” they answered, as if it were the most important thing on their path to completing the task at hand. Luckily, Mrs. Vaughn possesses the sense to ask “Why?” before she says “Stop that and get to work!” I am not sure I have that sense. At any rate, the boys explained that when they had a disagreement on the project, they would use rock, paper, scissors to determine what option to follow. Mrs. Vaughn asked if they were having trouble getting along, what with all these disagreements and everything. “No, Mrs. Vaughn. We’re just problem solving.” they said.

Of course they are. Mrs. Vaughn’s ability to allow them the creativity they need to get their work done, rather than following a lock-step procedure, allows them to get it done. These boys are going to be creative engineers, game designers, or something else amazing and fabulous. They are paddling their own canoe, which is what we had in mind all along. I agree with Charlie when he says “I am going to miss third grade. I haven’t had enough of Mrs. Vaughn.”

Boys of summer

I love baseball. I am not a huge fan of major league baseball, but I love elementary school baseball. There are so many numbers to keep track of and statistics to calculate. Even more fun are the moments spent sitting on the bleachers with my friends. We tell funny stories on ourselves. Today I heard about how a friend mistakenly bought a pair of $400 shoes. None of the moms on these bleachers would dream of buying $400 shoes, so it makes for a very funny story. We joke about mistakes we make as parents and we make vows to hold the line on buying cell phones for our kids until they are in high school. Then we give each other excuses to break the pact if we need to. Friends are like that. Giving each other breaks when we need them.

Today my son got a run on a play in which several runs were scored. Our team was ebullient and spilled from the bench to the field to offer congratulations to the three players involved. The coach yelled at them to get back on the bench and one of my friends was alarmed that the coach would yell at them. I explained that they weren’t allowed to spill out onto the field like that in the middle of a game. I think sometimes a coach has to raise his voice. Too much horsing around on the bench and not paying attention to the game means they aren’t where they are supposed to be when the inning changes or it is their turn at bat. I support our coach unequivocally. He never belittles the boys or swears at them. He is a coach who wants to win while giving every player an opportunity to play. He treats them like a good parent, supporting and encouraging them to be their best while setting appropriate rules.

Earlier this season, I saw some young baseball players showboating with moves they learned from playing the video game Halo. I had a problem with this. First of all, it’s bad sportsmanship. Secondly, Halo is rated “M” by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. That means it contains sexual content, blood, violence, and foul language. Video games rated “M” are not appropriate for elementary aged children. I heard a parent say “Boys will be boys.” While that may be true, I don’t think it means that a parent should abdicate their parental responsibility. Parents must check the ratings of the video games their kids play and help them to make wise choices. Parents must set limits, age appropriate limits, for video game and media consumption just like they do for bedtimes or too much candy.

Tonight was a close game. Both teams played well. Both teams had some errors. Both teams exhibited good sportsmanship. There wasn’t any showboating. There were kind congratulations for good plays on our bench, as I am sure there were on the other bench, but I was too far away to hear. I am going to miss these games when the season ends in two games. I love baseball.

Changing the world one girl at a time

On Friday we had the second annual Girls Have IT Day! at Xavier. This event was the brain child of my colleague, Frances Ward. She is so creative and smart. She came to me with this idea after I had just been on the job a few days and didn’t know that there would be obstacles. She said she had been sitting on this idea for four years and had been unable to get any traction. What alarmed her were the statistics she had read regarding women in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. (STEM) Only 20% of the STEM jobs in the US are held by women. Only 17% of the people who take the AP Computer Science test are female. The dismal stats go on. In my own house I have heard my daughter say “I am no good at math.” How would she know? I used to say that myself. And in a self-fulfilling prophecy, I limited my own potential and opportunity.

It has been a busy time. The week prior, we held the Video Game Tournament at Xavier. I try to let go of the reigns and let the girls take charge. They do an amazing job, but I get stressed about the details. Then I had a big talk to give this week about online learning. I had caught a cold and lost my voice. How would I give the big talk? I prayed and prayed and tried to stay silent to preserve whatever voice I might have. I was able to get through it with a voice for about an hour. Then, a coughing fit hit and I was done. By Friday morning, voiceless, I was panicked about how I would host Girls Have IT Day!

Frances and I make a great team. I like getting up in front of everybody and playing host. Frances seems to enjoy the behind the scenes making sure all the activities get set up. Both jobs require a voice. A few hours before we were to start, I went to AP Physics, my “go to” class when I need help, and I wrote a message on the board. “HELP! I have lost my voice and I need someone to talk for me at Girls Have IT Day. I will more or less tell you what to say.” Alexis Arellano stepped up and said “I’ll do it!” without a moment’s hesitation. God bless Alexis.

At the end of the day, several girls told me they want to be engineers. Other girls wrote a big sign on butcher paper thanking Frances and me for what we do. Right back at them. These girls are so creative and willing to do what it takes to help inspire the middle school girls. They do a beautiful job showing our guests the myriad ways to be involved in STEM. Studies show that students who study STEM, whether or not they get a job in STEM, are better students. They do better in their careers – regardless of the career. By showing our students and our guests many of the ways STEM touches our lives, we are improving opportunities for them and encouraging them to do better in school. I am so lucky to be able to work with them. Changing the world. One girl at a time.

Tips for parents using games to get closer to their kids

The Game Developers Conference (GDC) was held in San Francisco last week.  I was disappointed that I could not go, but it is an expensive conference and tough to justify in my current full time position.  If I were actively working in the game industry, it would be a no-brainer.  But I am not, so I rely on the Tweets of my friends on Twitter and I find with the exception of the Irish Coffee on Fisherman’s Wharf, I almost feel like I was there.

Several of my friends went to Jesse Schell‘s talk on how games can bring parents and kids together.  I remember hearing him talk at GDC a few years ago about the Wii he bought for his family right before Thanksgiving and that not only his young children, but also elderly family members were gathered around the Wii playing together.

Mr. Schell’s talk this year was on “10 tips for designing games for kids and parents together.”  I think looking at these from a parent’s perspective can help parents see how they can use games to get closer to their kids.  So, with sincere gratitude to Mr. Schell for this 10 tips for designing games for kids and parents, I give you tips for parents using games to get closer to their kids:

1.    Pick a game both you and your kids will like.
2.    Play with your kids.  Video games involve the player in a way that watching television doesn’t.  Turn off the television and turn on the video game.
3.    Play a game that will help kids sharpen their minds.  Hiking last weekend, my nine year old was describing periodot and other precious gems as we trudged the trail.  I asked him if he was learning about gems in school and he said “No, I learned them on Sonic and the Black Night.”  Some video games teach something deliberately, like math facts, for example.  Other video games teach things by head fake.  Did my son set out to learn about gemology?  No.  He set out to play a game.  I asked him to teach me how to play.
4.    Consider gender issues.  Although my son humored me by playing “My Ballet Studio”, it really is a game for girls.  If you are playing with a boy, you might select a game with more action.  If you are playing with a girl, they tend to like puzzle games.  I urge parents to avoid the blood and guts games regardless of whether they are playing with boys or girls.
5.    NEVER forget about safety!  Be very cautious with games that allow kids to play with strangers online.  Some games, like Club Penguin, have stringent controls.  Others, like Farmville, do not.  A friend of mine who plays Farmville regularly ended up playing with someone she doesn’t know in real life.  This other player began treating her very poorly and saying horrible things to her.  As a grown woman with a strong head on her shoulders, she could ignore the abuse and take action to ameliorate the situation.  But if it were a child?  We have all heard the stories of kids who have been cyber bullied and took it very hard.  Protect your children.  Remember that no amount of parental controls and lecturing can make up for spending time with your kids as a family.

We love games we can play together. Sadly, I have more than my share of competitiveness, but on some level I hope they know when they beat me, the legitimately did because I won’t throw a game. The most fun I have is snuggling with my youngest on the couch and playing Bookworm together.

ChatRoulette

Someone sent me an email yesterday asking “As a parent, should I worry about ChatRoulette?” Instantly my head said “You better believe it!” As a parent, I will NOT allow my child to use ChatRoulette. Here’s why:

ChatRoulette works by randomly finding someone else on the Internet, anywhere in the world, who wants to chat. You have no control over who you will be chatting with and it is random. Think blind date. With ChatRoulette, chatters have a webcam and you see them on your computer screen. Clothed or not. Engaged in acts you would consider mundane or those you would consider utterly shocking. You have no control. The New York Times reviewer I heard talking about it said that he was horrified by some of the things he saw. To be fair, the reviewer said that he met some very interesting people using ChatRoulette. But as a parent, I need to do a cost-benefit analysis.

What is the cost of allowing my child to use ChatRoulette on the off chance that they will meet a delightful chat partner halfway around the world and build greater cultural understanding that will lead to world peace? The realistic benefit seems quite remote given the cost. I am all for world peace, but I don’t think this is the way to get there.

In the final analysis, allowing a child to use ChatRoulette is like taking them to the most crime-ridden neighborhood in a large city, pushing them out of the car with a wish to “Go make friends!” ChatRoulette? Just say “No.”

Disneyland

We left Phoenix about six hours ago. The drive is going more slowly than I would hope due to poor driving conditions but better safe than sorry. We are on a bus and this is much better than driving ourselves. At least I have been able to nap a little.

Charlie is very excited. His teacher and I have settled into regular meetings after school on Wednesdays. For most of the month of February she was upbeat and positive. But this week she said “It hasn’t been a good week.” She told me that for the first time other kids are complaining that he is irritating. She described some behaviors that I agree would quickly get on one’s nerves. The challenge we are having is discerning what he can and cannot control. I have read that some people with Tourette syndrome exhibit OCD type behaviors. Is there something in him that makes him need to touch the hair of the girl behind him every time he reaches in his chair pouch for a book? He says “I’m not!” and I have heard that before. I have become angry with him about this type of thing before. And he has collapsed on the floor in tears before.

The bus stopped in Quartzite for everyone to use the bathroom. It was 4:45 AM and dark. Charlie was groggy but compliant as I woke him up. Looking outside he said “We haven’t crossed the Colorado River yet. Have we?”. I assured him we had not. And then I started thinking about that. I am pretty sure at the age of nine I was unaware of the Colorado River. I remembered his love of maps and how he studies them during car trips. Charlie can be entertained by a map for hours. He knows all the symbols and can distinguish between the different types of roads. He enjoy estimating how many miles it is to our destination. I wonder if his map reading skills translate to the classroom and standardized tests.

I told Mrs. Vaughn how excited Charlie was about going to Disneyland and she thought that might explain why he was having a tough week. I suspect with the lack of sleep on a trip like this, next week might not be a picnic either. We should get Mrs. Vaughn a present from Disneyland.

Another reason I am an Apple fan girl

Last Fall, I boycotted Pepsi over their tasteless iPhone app “Amp Up Before You Score!” which gave advice to guys on how to get women to have sex with them. I was deeply offended and grateful when Pepsi pulled the app. Some people asked me why I didn’t boycott Apple and that got a bit stickier. I wasn’t sure that filtering of apps should be Apple’s function, but as I dug just a little, I found myriad tasteless apps available in the app store. (None designed to promote a product like Pepsi’s, however.)

I learned this morning that Apple has decided it will no longer approve titillating apps! While this has some of my male blogger friends crying in their Twitter, I couldn’t be happier. It’s hard to find a titillating app that isn’t offensive to women.

Furthermore, as a teacher, I want to use the app store with my classes. There are so many quality educational apps available. But I can’t ask the students to search the app store if I am constantly concerned they will run into inappropriate content. Apple’s decision makes it easier to use their products in an educational setting.

Rampant “x-rated” content is part of the reason that Second Life had so much trouble catching on to the mainstream. The ubiquity of sexual content made it a concern to those trying to use the virtual world for business and education. Linden Labs, creators of Second Life, finally had to section off the sexual content to a specific area to make the environment more hospitable to diverse groups.

I am happy with Apple’s decision and applaud them for taking the high road. This couldn’t have been an easy decision, but I say “Way to go, Apple!”

What do I know?

It was a beautiful day today. Our weather in Phoenix this time of year is the envy of our friends in colder climates. Luckily, I had the day off. I had planned on getting some work done in my home office but was having trouble finding my groove and I slipped into the familiar habit of planning what marathon to run next in my quest to run a marathon in every state. There is a lot to it – find the flights and hotel and ground transportation and hope the Marathon isn’t full when all these other details are in place.

As I was engrossed in this diversion, I got a call from the school nurse. I consider the school nurses friends and they are always so nice and helpful, but I admit that when they call, I instinctively get a little worried. Today’s issue was that the teacher was concerned my son had pink eye. His eyes seem to have been bothering him lately but I have not witnessed the usual signs of pink eye. The nurse explained that the boy in the adjacent seat was home with pink eye and perhaps it would be best if I get him seen by our doctor. I called the doctor and made an appointment then went to pick up my son.

He was feeling fine, so as we waited for our appointment time, he worked with me watering the flowers, pulling weeds and planning our spring garden. Half the reason I have a garden is for Charlie. He likes to study the plants and the insects. He really wants me to put in some corn this year but I am concerned about the spider mites I have been fighting and I was opting for a fallow garden until next Fall. He will most likely get his corn.

Our pediatrician confirmed it was not a case of pink eye. It appears Charlie has developed a new tic. Part of Tourette syndrome means that he will develop new tics and old ones may fall away. The intensity of his blinking tic appears to have irritated his eyes. He might also be bothered a bit by pollution and allergies. While we were there, the doctor warned me was to be wary of snake oil salesmen. He didn’t use just those words, but that’s the best way I can sum it up.

It is true that parents of kids who are different, who struggle with issues like Tourettes or Autism, are often so desperate to help their children that they will fall for anything. The doctor cited several heartbreaking examples of parents ending up doing their child more harm than good as they were taken in by someone promising answers who really had no solutions. I know one thing for certain. I will not use my son as an experiment to find the right cocktail of drugs. In his excellent book “Front of the Class”, Brad Cohen states that the medications his doctors experimented with actually made his symptoms worse and not better.

Charlie is a beautiful person, whole and complete in his own way. He is different, that’s for sure, but what a beautiful difference. Rather than fret about the challenges that can get on one’s nerves, I hope I can find the grace to focus on his gifts. His obvious connection with nature. His artistry at the piano. His compassion as he offers his last chocolate to his sister. Acceptance is the answer. While some people may seek medication that will help, his condition is not life threatening and may in fact be the cause of some very rare and beautiful gifts my son possesses. From what I have read, in many cases using medication is like using weed killer in the garden to kill the weeds but it also kills the beautiful poppies and nasturtiums.

More about living with Tourettes

One of my children wants to put another one up for adoption. My husband and I went away for the weekend leaving the kids in the care of my niece, who is in her 20s and now I suspect will never have kids. On Saturday night, my husbands phone rang many times through out the night as one of the kids kept calling him begging that we put the other one up for adoption.

It is difficult learning to live with differences. It is difficult growing up, let alone growing up with someone who is “different”. As I watched the Olympics last night I was struck by the Canadian skier who won gold who said he did it for his older brother who was disabled. He showed so much compassion for his brother. So much love and understanding. Is this simply a birth order thing or is there something I can do to help my children learn similar compassion for one another? How can I teach them that family members are not like puppies you can drop off at the pound when you grow tired of them? Do all kids act this way? I don’t remember ever suggesting that my siblings be given away.

Today is another day in which I will put one foot in front of the other and seek answers.